Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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