He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
