you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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