True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
How does it feel to date your dad?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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