i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Found the puke drawer
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
