Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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