there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
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