and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
