i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
