I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
