I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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