I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
