I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
