At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
