She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
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I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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