If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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