3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Randomize
