Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just had sex bonerless
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
