i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
