Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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