There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
