i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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