I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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