The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
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