Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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