you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
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AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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