why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
