Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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