Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
