I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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