I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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