i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
