btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
