Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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