I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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