I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
