I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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