Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
false alarm. still invincible.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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