After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
