mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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