Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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