I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
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I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
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Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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