i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
My underwear smells like fireworks.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
