I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
