i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
