I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
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