My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
No stitches, just platelets and will power
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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