im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
