I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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