I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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