I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
