Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
