So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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