If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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