Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
