Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
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I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Houston, we have a blender
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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