And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
