??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Fuck appropriateness.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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