i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
