he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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